Almost every single person I know struggles with insecurity; it almost seems natural to self-deprecate. Personally I became increasingly self-conscious as I grew older and began using social media. I didn’t have an actual phone until I was 16. Before then, I used an iPod touch that was gifted by one of my aunties and the very first thing I did after setting up an Apple ID was download Instagram; and flappy bird.
After downloading Instagram, I began following my friends and classmates from high school. I saw that a lot of my female classmates started wearing makeup and as a 16-year old girl who just wanted to fit in, I followed suit. I scoured YouTube for makeup tutorials and product recommendations and when I tell you there was maybe one makeup artist who looked like me, I mean it. I spent hours watching tutorials that did not compliment my face structure or eyelid space. The youtubers I watched had ample lid space to do all these cool eyeshadow looks whereas my mono-lid permitted MAYBE a thin eyeliner look that would eventually smudge throughout the day and give me raccoon eyes.
Don't get me started on mascara; the bane of my existence to this day. A lot of my non-Asian friends are gifted with long, voluminous, naturally curly lashes; especially my male friends, which is so unfair cuz most of them use 3-in-1 shampoo as face wash. I have pin straight, short and stubborn eyelashes. Now I know how this sounds; boohoo you have shorter eyelashes. And to some extent, it is the way that it sounds. But my struggles with finding the right mascara and lash curler are only the beginning of things teenage me did to look like the girls on my Instagram feed.
Until recently, there has been a severe lack of BIPOC representation in the media. Because of this, I felt like I wasn’t beautiful, that people who looked like me didn’t deserve to be on magazine covers or billboard advertisements. I’ve definitely come a long way from those days. I have yet to find a good mascara yet but I have grown to love my black hair and the unique shape of my eyes, nose and face; things that I didn’t used to love. I would end this blog post with advice but to be honest, I’m still searching for it myself. Self-love is hard but if you support yourself with the right people, it makes it a lot easier.
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