Sometimes, I get upset that my parents didn’t teach me either Korean or Mandarin growing up, and I used to think that this contributed to the disconnect to my Asian culture. In reality, the disconnect started in elementary school. My biggest concern in life was fitting in with the other kids around me from a young age. Looking back, it seems so stupid that it was something I cared about, but at that age, what other problems did we really even have? I mean, I was not going to be the fourth-grader that sat alone in the lunchroom waiting for school to be over; I wanted to enjoy my experience at school.
“The Cool Asian,” one little phrase that led me to begin to reject my Asian identity in elementary school. Kids would tell me, “don’t worry, you’re not like them, you’re the cool Asian,” and this was because I didn’t act like the stereotypical Asian kid that was so different from them. I grew up in a predominantly white neighbourhood, so my behaviour and actions were similar to the kids around me, which is why they accepted me. It’s kind of messed up to think that this one phrase impacted how I felt towards my Asian identity. I basically did everything to ensure that I wouldn’t be associated with a stereotypical Asian; I chose soccer over Taekwondo, begged my parents to pack me ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch, and always ate with a fork.
It wasn’t until my first year of university that I realized I was missing such an essential part of my identity. Moving across the country to a university I had never visited before was daunting, and I honestly did not know what to expect. Making friends was never an issue as a very extroverted person that could adapt to most situations. However, to my surprise, most people I met had a very similar personality to mine. They were known to be extroverted and outgoing, the fun, energetic students of their respective high schools, and now we are all gathered at the same place. I struggled to figure out who I was and how I fit into this environment.
Going home, it was the food and my parents’ stories that comforted me the most. I realized that this exposure to these things makes me different from others, and since then, I have strived to learn more about my Asian identity. To this day, it’s been a big regret in my life that I wasted so many years rejecting a part of myself, and as my grandparents get older, they forget how to speak English, and it gets more challenging to communicate with them each time. Every day I want to learn more about my culture and eventually speak the languages to communicate more than just being able to order food.
In 2022, I will be going to Korea on exchange to live as a student for a semester and continue to embrace my Asian identity. Stay tuned for more content, either vlogs on our YouTube channel or posts where I explore what it’s like living in Asia.
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